Fair

Ah, the plight of the middle child. Second born, but first to point out an injustice. Recent transgressions have resulted in a consequence- no car or phone for two weeks. Because I am not a complete tyrant, there was a rider that allowed earning back some privileges, provided that he become a model of respect and honesty.

Unfortunately he came home from school with a report that, after a poll of all his friends, my judgement was unfair and "ridiculous" and he asked me to explain my reasoning. I tried in as many ways as I could, and he still didn't get it. Voices elevated. Finally he declared "maybe you should just write it down, so I can figure it out!".

I was happy to oblige.

"You are grounded for two weeks, and here is why. I want you to learn to live a life filled with behavior that gives God glory, is respectful and full of integrity, and allows you to be viewed by important others with respect. Important others are God, grandma & grandpas, aunts and uncles, siblings, neighbors, coworkers, employers, teachers, and friends. I love you, and want you to be safe. Sixteen years ago God gave me you, a most wonderful gift, and I would do anything to protect that gift. I am also responsible to God for what I do with that gift, so I take parenting very seriously.

Lying, cheating, and self-centeredness are negative qualities that you have demonstrated recently, and it pains my heart to see you choosing these behaviors. I did not teach you to act in such a manner, and that has repercussions as well. You have humiliated me before my friends. That is unacceptable. You have spoken to me with utter disrespect. That is unacceptable. Following your every impulsive whim and worldly desire is childish, egotistical, and immature, and demonstrates to me a deep need for stronger parenting. You have clearly expressed that you don’t understand why you are grounded, so I’m laying it out on paper for you so that you will, perhaps, better understand. I see that some people learn in different ways, so maybe this letter will help. "

I continued to lay out specific details. I printed it, and watched as he read it. He remained expressionless. He folded it in two, laid it on the coffee table, and retreated to his room in silence. Ten minutes later he came to me with his cell phone, which he had previously (without me knowing) removed from my bedroom. "Sorry, I took this. Take it back."

Lately I have felt like a horrible parent, at the end of my rope, sometimes on the edge of crazy. The returned phone surprised me and all I could say was "thanks".

 But he brought it back, and I will consider that a victory.